Last film you saw, vol. 6

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First Man Review.

https://dailyuv.com/968792

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A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)

"Welcome to Wonderland, Alice."

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)

"In my dreams I'm beautiful . . . and bad!"

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Hostiles (2017)

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Alone in the Dark (2005)

"My mommy says that there is nothing to be afraid of in the dark.
-Your mother's wrong, kid. Being afraid of the dark is what keeps most of us alive."

Alone in the Dark II (2008)

"I've made my peace with the occult."

A little bit better than Boll's original. Mostly watchable (if it is) because of it's cast that has several people with horror cred.

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Ugh, Uwe Boll cinema. Don't tell me you plan on also watching House of the Dead?

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Christine (1983)

"You better watch what you say about my car. She's real sensitive."

Hellraiser (1987)

"We'll tear your soul apart."

Tales from the Hood 2 (2018)

"I ain't no vampire, fool. Next time, try watching The Exorcist."

Not very good and so overtly political.

The Exorcist (1973)

"I am no one."

Ugh, Uwe Boll cinema. Don't tell me you plan on also watching House of the Dead?

[So, here's my experience with Uwe Boll, who (from what I've read) is a real jerk besides being a bad director.]

I've seen House of the Dead and kind of find it in that so-bad-it's-good category to the point where I might buy it if I found it at a flea market or something for a couple bucks. It's visually appealing and the acting was literally LOL bad for me.
I found Boll's Tunnel Rats and this one (Alone) in that category of having some potential and good points (Slater and the concepts of the advanced ancient society and the invisible demons) but totally blown. [The reason I even watched this knowing its rep was that I saw a preview for the sequel and want to see it, but couldn't bring myself to watch it sans the original.]
Boll's movie I probably found most watchable was Bloodrayne, which I'd put on the low end of average for an adventure cheapie. Kristana Loken's hotness and Michael Maden's insanity put that one on that same level of possibly being worth a $3 purchase . . . possibly.
In the Name of the King I actually quit on, which I almost never do (no matter how bad), but at the time I was studying for a master's level exam and realized the film didn't justify the waste of time.
So, yeah, I agree he's a horrible director, but for some reason I keep feeling compelled to see these movies and share in people's pain or the notoriety or something.

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Under The Skin (2013)

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Freddy vs. Jason (2003)

"Hey. Gibb, what are you doing? I thought you were gonna quit.
-I only smoke when I drink now.
But you're always drinking.
-Yeah, well, I'll work on that next."

[Wes Craven's] New Nightmare (1994)

"Just because it's a love story doesn't mean it can't have a decapitation or two."

Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare [aka A Nightmare on Elm Street 6] (1991)

"Every town has an Elm Street!"

A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989)

"What's wrong with me?
-Nothing. You're just a little pregnant."

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[So, here's my experience with Uwe Boll, who (from what I've read) is a real jerk besides being a bad director.]

The only Boll film I've ever heard anything remotely good about is Rampage, but I still have no intention of watching it.

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At Monster Bash in Pittsburgh and saw

Gorilla at Large (1954)

"Always on my toes.
-Well, get off 'em. You're a police officer, not a ballet dancer."

Night of the Living Dead (1968)

"They're dead alright. They're all messed up."

The Bride and the Beast (1958)

"Weird."

King Kong (1933)

"I hear it's a kind of a gorilla.
-Gee, ain't we got enough of them in New York?"

KK and NotLD were actually film prints owned and projected by the guy who convinced Mom and I to try this con and whom we casually knew from another con. Fun to see these movies that I'm real familiar with on actual film and with a crowd of fans.

The only Boll film I've ever heard anything remotely good about is Rampage, but I still have no intention of watching it.

I heard that too. I'll probably make the mistake of watching it one day.

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Presenting The Princess Bride tomorrow at the library as part of my swashbuckler series. Here's the retrospective I did on it.

https://dailyuv.com/969045

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Scorpion King 5: Book of Souls (2018)

"I hate quests."

[Watched Nov. 5]

Dark Shadows (2012)

"Do you think the sexes should be equal?
-Heavens, no. Men would become quite unmanageable."

Interview with the Vampire (1994)

"Evil doers are easier and they taste better."

Queen of the Damned (2002)

"Humans are animals. Brute creatures."

[Finished Nov. 5]

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Rad (1986)

"You look like something I stepped in...and I don't like the smell of it."

I watched Cinemassacre's Rental Review of this, and when Netflix didn't have it, I hit up eBay and found a decently-priced copy. Cover is shit to the max, eye-bleeding neon negative or some crap like that, and not only does it have a hokey tagline about the main character needing a miracle to win this big race, but it has a quote praising the film as being a pinnacle of BMX filmography...and yet there's no attribution. I shit you not: they slapped a made-up quote on there to make the film seem more legit. And before you worry your pretty little head, they do balance the karma out by quoting Archer Winsten of The New York Post on the back...right before they shoot themselves in the foot via the laughably-mediocre description of the plot.

Anyway, this film is definitely trying to be a formula-abiding success, but it feels really half-assed. You get a lot of the standard elements of a "talented teen who wants to score big on his talent but misunderstanding adults just don't understand his needy talents" flick, but the writers (Sam Bernard and Geoffrey Edwards) drop the ball. Namely that Cru Jones (Bill Allen, introductory role) is generally well-liked by the community and only Burton Timmer (Ray Walston) seems to dislike him until later in the film; hell, even the biker cop Sgt. Smith (H.B. Haggerty) thinks highly of Cru. (Side note: Haggerty does indeed resemble Sgt. Slaughter/Dr. Robotnik, just as James & Company said).

The love interest that Cru is burning for? Yeah, you'd think he'd pick her up for the school dance only for her to flash eyes and swing hips with the pro racer Bart Taylor (Bart Conner), but that never really happens, which makes the failed romance staple pointless. Oh sure, we get Lori Loughlin from Full House (looking damn cute in this film, I must confess) replacing her and completing the rest of the romantic subplot, but it feels pretty undercooked because of the noted failure of the first love and Loughlin doesn't get shown much of a discarding by her teammates in the Mongoose-sponsored crew, which makes her falling for Allen a little too easy.

The rival, Bart Taylor (Bart Conner), is also awkwardly handled. You'd think he'd be written with a bit more arrogance to really drive in the bloated ego, or with a nicer personality to show that fame doesn't buy integrity, but we just get to see him as a snobby jerk and then he eventually gets suspicious of his sponsor Duke Best (Jack Weston, the bad guy from Short Circuit II) before turning into a reluctant good guy.

Conner's teammates are hilariously bad. I again agree with Cinemassacre, because they are 100% Tomax and Xamot from GI Joe. They even dress the same for this bizarre (and bizarrely sexual) dance during the "BMX Boogie" scene. Whereas Conner eventually turns into an ally, these two Goombas just stay as stooges for Weston's evil executive; there's no sense of betrayal or strained loyalty between them, Conner, and the company.

Jack Weston was almost M. Emmet Walsh (the loan shark bounty hunter-type dude TR Polk from Camp Nowhere, who was chasing after Christopher Lloyd), but that was my mistake before I looked his name up. Weston does a passable job as the crooked executive Duke Best of the Mongoose BMX company, but his "I'll pay you to throw the race" private chat with Allen is both poorly contrived (Allen is told to walk off work, go up the street, and then get into a car with a total stranger) and almost completely unseen (they only have the very start and very end of the talk, which is fucking awful filmmaking even to an idiot). Oh, and then he keeps changing the race's rules to force Allen to fail because his contract regarding Conner only pays out if Conner wins first place. It really undercuts the weight of the race in terms of thematics and story structure when the villain keeps switching things up on a whim and nobody else seems to take issue with it.

Lori Loughlin was pretty good (but then again, she was on a hit sitcom, so she's got chops). A bunch of the scenes involving her and the other riders could have been improved to actually show them off to the town (aside from that one dude performing tricks atop a moving semi), and the dance scene just has her standing around outside next to the grand prize car (seriously, why is the car even there? And why isn't she inside with her teammates?) She isn't as poorly written as she could have been, actually exhibiting some intelligence and critiquing Allen so that he improves, but the effort is half-baked because she at no point expresses the desire to be in the race despite her teammates being in it (I'm not even sure the twins actually earn their spots, because the qualifying races aren't well tracked aside from showing Allen's efforts). The writers apparently couldn't decide if they wanted an actual Strong Independent Woman or not, so they wrote both and handicapped Loughlin. At least she isn't terrible.

The girlfriends of the twins and Conner were very weird. They act like prissy, high-class call girls but then they flirt with Allen and soften up in a scene, and then they just kind of drop from the radar completely. Aside from the three-way dance, why are they even in the film?

Oh yeah, before I forget, fuck that diner owner who charges five bucks for a table just to kick out regulars so he can suck up to a one-time visiting snob. I swear you can even see his rotten teeth.

I thought Walston was actually very amusing in this. He goes from being this cranky old man to a cold, shrewd business affiliate of Weston's, and then a staunch ally of Allen's. Him flipping the bird several times was also a total riot.

Talia Shire and Laura Jacoby (Mom and little sister Wesley, respectively). They were not done very well, with the sister being a pushy and confrontational brat and the mom being given the short end of the stick when it comes to having the Big Talk with her son about why he should choose education over sports (they have Round 2 as predictable for these types of films, but Round 1 was barely there and Allen just steamrolls her the second go of it).

The Helltrack. I'm not sure what I expected, but a fucking cereal bowl wasn't it. No, seriously, KIX Cereal was a sponsor for the film (so were 7-Eleven and Chief Auto Parts, as seen on a goddamn fence, of all places!), so the final racetrack has a huge cereal bowl the racers have to bike into and then ride off the spoon handle. It's like something from one of those "ginormous house" sets people used to design for Unreal Tournament.

The ending is a mixed bag through and through. Weston loses the deal because Conner basically throws the race, but other than that he isn't really outed as a crooked asshole, when any competent company would fire the shit out of him for what has to be blatantly illegal conduct. Conner himself is said to lose his Mongoose sponsorship, but that doesn't make sense because Weston is clearly corrupt and the company would lose its shit over this whole affair coming to light, so what the fuck? If anything, Allen would be offered a spot on the team, but I suppose the "feels good, man" vibe had to be maintained.

The copy I bought was burned and only had a couple of visual/audio blips, but during the qualifiers for the final race, you can see a channel logo pop up in the corner, because the seller apparently got this on HD demand and recorded it from there instead of transferring from VHS or something.

Overall, despite the incredibad writing, this was fun and you do get to see a ton of cool stunts and tricks. My dad thought it was both awful and amusing, so I think I won out this time around.

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Return of the Living Dead (1985)

"Don't fool around, you're learning."

R.I.P. James Karen. Actually, I've been wanting to see this again as part of my Halloween-season viewing since last Friday, when I met John Russo, the co-writer (as with NotLD).

Lunch Meat (1987)

"How the hell am I supposed to make a sandwich without lunch meat?"

So bad, but at least it was free on Youtube.

The Strangers: Prey at Night (2018)

"Is Tamara home?"

Demon Wind (1990)

"Can't you hear it.
-Hear what?
Death.
-But I loved you."

Alright, but not great young-people-besieged-in-a-house horror flick. Feels like a less fun Evil Dead (the victims get turned into demons creatures), but with more Satanism and less fun.

Rad (1986) . . . I watched Cinemassacre's Rental Review of this, and when Netflix didn't have it, I hit up eBay and found a decently-priced copy . . . Overall, despite the incredibad writing, this was fun and you do get to see a ton of cool stunts and tricks. My dad thought it was both awful and amusing, so I think I won out this time around.

You question my Netflixing Uwe Boll movies and then buy a movie based off a review where the majority of the reviewers said it wasn't even worth watching?

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That wasn't entirely the impression that I got, mostly that it was poor but somehow mildly entertaining. I did enjoy parts of it, but I went into it knowing that it was one of those "so bad it's almost okay" films. We both know criticizing a film doesn't mean finding it unwatchable, and that was the cheapest I could get it.

Which isn't unlike you knowing Boll films are bad but sometimes enjoyable, and you did say you'd spend money on them. Some small things make a bad film worth having. Personally, I feel like Boll's stuff is worse than most and the way he tarnishes video games with his terrible adaptations makes me feel especially bitter towards him. Didn't mean to sound like I was judging you earlier, sorry.

Anyway:

The Plague of the Zombies (1966)

"I, I find all kinds of witchcraft slightly nauseating and this I find absolutely disgusting."

A small Cornish village in the English countryside is besieged by a mysterious illness, and local doctor Peter (Brook Williams) is stumped. In comes renowned London physician and former mentor Sir James Forbes (Andre Morell) and lovely daughter Sylvia (Diane Clare) to solve the riddle. In doing so, they run afoul of the village's squire, Clive Hamilton (John Carson).

A Hammer gem of the day, and I have to say it really works the witchcraft (voodoo) angle well. I like the character of Forbes, older and relentless in his pursuit of the cause of all the madness consuming the village. Williams plays a distraught former student well, and Carson is a ruthless and monstrous manipulator. Clare plays a surprisingly strong-willed young woman, outright arguing with Carson when first meeting him (gotta admire her nerve, especially after being attacked, abducted, and nearly attacked again).

And I have to say the ending would make Universal proud, ending it in a classic horror film fashion. Grisly way to go, I think most would agree.

I was going to take this down my dad's last night instead of Rad, and he might have enjoyed it a bit more considering it comes from a higher-quality studio, but he also dislikes horror, so I think the end result would have been the same.

Watching the "world of Hammer horror" extra on the DVD now, it's pretty interesting...although it's spoiled The Mummy's Shroud for me now. Eh, I'll still watch it.