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I give up... (VERY long and emotional)
As of last night, I have completely given up on my life. Last night, something happened that was the final straw in a long line of defeats, and it has forced me to accept what I've known to be the truth for a long time; I am a failure, and I will never be anything else. By every measure that is important to me, I have failed in this life. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, or how good my best is, it is never enough. Every time I manage to take one step forward towards my life goals, life shoves me back 2 steps, makes me fall flat on my face, and then proceeds to kick me while I'm down. And after 37 years, it's finally become too much for me to bear. 
I've only ever had simple, achievable goals for myself. My version of the American Dream is very plain, nothing too fancy. All I've ever wanted was a good job that I could enjoy going to every day, doing something that made me happy, and paying me well enough to keep my bills paid and to have a little money left over for fun. Outside of work, all I've ever wanted was to find my special someone, someone who could accept me and love me for who I am, so that I could become a husband and maybe, someday, a father. Get married, buy a little house somewhere, and have a good life.
But at every turn, no matter what I do, even when I do nothing wrong, the Powers That Be refuse to allow me even the smallest of successes. Every time I've found a job that is what I'm looking for, a job where I truly belong, where I'm truly successful and living up to my greatest potential, life conspires to take it away from me. I've just had, in the last 3 years, 2 jobs IN A ROW where I truly fit in, they were truly the right job for me… and then the company went bankrupt and went out of business, leaving me unemployed again. And now, with the economy in the crapper, I have no hope of finding such a job again anytime soon.
Outside of work, I've never had enough money to buy that little house I dream about. The cost of living is too high, and the wages in my chosen career field of retail management too low, for me to be able to succeed at even that one little thing.
In social circles, I've always been forced into the role of the loner, the outcast… the pariah. I was never one of the "cool" kids, never got invited to the big parties, never got to develop the social skills that the "cool" kids develop. Sure, I have a few very good friends who are basically the brothers I never had. But while I continually fail at every thing I try to do to achieve the life I want to have, I see them finding great careers, getting married, having children, buying homes… while I am stuck in the role of the third wheel, unable to have that kind of life myself, always the outsider looking in.
And as for finding someone to share this life with… it has recently been proven to me conclusively that there isn't an available woman anywhere in this world that is capable of loving me, there is no one that can accept me for who I am. I am too different, too unique, and the women of the world too weirded out by me, for that to ever happen. They say that there's someone for everyone, people tell me that I'll find someone, but finding someone is only the first step. If that someone is unable to open her heart to you, unable to accept you and to love you, then finding that someone didn't do you any good, did it? They say that there's someone for everyone, but what if there was only ever ONE someone for me, someone that I had, once, long ago, and lost? Someone who gave up on me after 3 years, because even she couldn't fully accept me for who and what I am.
The truth that no one wants to hear, that everyone refuses to accept, is that we are emotional beings that have emotional needs, and the most important emotional need we have is to love another and be loved in return. This is simple, psychological truth. To deny it is to deny your existence as a human being. And it is a need that can only be met in one very particular way. The love given to you by your parents can't fulfill that need. It can't be met through the love shared with any siblings you might have, or the love given to you by any children you might have had. The love shared with your closest friends can't meet this need, either. The only way it can be met is to find your soul mate, that special someone that will complete you, become the yin to your yang, whose love will make you a whole person. We aren't MEANT to be solitary beings, we weren't meant to walk through this life alone. We were meant for something more, to have that special someone to share this life with. And yet, this, too, is constantly denied me. In this regard, too, I am a failure. Even when I do everything right, I still end up alone.
This week, I celebrated my 37th birthday. 37 years ago I came into this world… was cast down into this HELL. Because that's where I am, I am in HELL. I am cursed. Years ago, I had a frightening moment of clarity, where I could clearly see the path that I am on in this life, and how it ends. I have done everything in my power to turn away from that path, to make a better life for myself, to avoid my fate. But every time I take one step forward, life knocks me back 2 steps, makes me fall flat on my face, and then proceeds to kick me when I'm down.
For years now, the only thing that's kept me going was the one little spark of hope that remained within me. A little spark that was too tenacious, too stubborn to burn out. That little spark gave me reserves of strength that I never knew I had within me, that helped me through the darkest days of my life. But last night, that little spark finally went out. I have no hope left anymore. I've had all I can take, and I have nothing left to give.
What do you do when you've been a failure your entire life? What do you do when all your hope is gone? What do you do when life has knocked you down so many times that you don't even know what it's like to stand on your own two feet anymore? How do you pick yourself back up when all your strength is utterly gone? How do you pick yourself back up when you know that life is only going to knock you right back down again? How do you face another day when all you want to do is die?
This is where I am at right now, the questions that are weighing on my mind. I have spent 37 years living in a world that I do not belong in. I have never fit in, and I never will. I'm too unique, too DIFFERENT for this world. And after 37 years of living in this hell, all I want to do is die… but I'm too much of a coward to even end it. I want nothing more right now than to plunge a knife into my chest and end my suffering… but I'm not even enough of a man to be able to do that. Even there, I am a failure.
So, as of this day, as of this moment, I have officially given up on my life. I have reacted in the only way I can. For 37 years, I've had to live with the knowledge that there is terrible darkness inside me, like a black hole, waiting to pull me in and consume me. For decades, I have fought against the darkness, drawing on my friends and family for strength, holding it at bay as long as I could. Last night, it finally became too strong, and I finally became too weak. The darkness has finally consumed me and I have no strength left, no willpower left to fight it anymore.
I'm only posting this today because there are a couple people here that I've come to think of as friends, and I know they would wonder what's going on when they notice that I'm not around much, if at all. I know they would wonder what's going on with me, why I'm not posting. And frankly, it's because this life, this world has taken everything from me, and I have nothing left to give anymore. In the face of that knowledge, coming to a message board and chatting with people online just isn't as important right now.
I know that some of you here are very wise, and will probably offer your thoughts and your wisdom. I will be reading what people have to say, but if I don't reply to you, please don't take it personally. It just means that I can't think of anything productive to add to the discussion.
In closing, I'd like to offer some advice of my own. If you are fortunate enough to have found some success in this life, cherish every moment of it. Don't ever take what you have for granted. If you have a job that is truly the right job for you, a job that you love doing, that makes you happy, cherish every moment of it while you can, because you don't know what's right around the corner, especially in this economy.
And if you're fortunate enough to have someone to share this life with, cherish him or her, hold onto them tightly, and never, ever take them for granted. You may fight, you may argue, they may frustrate you at times, at times you may wonder what you saw in them in the first place… but I urge you to remember why you fell in love with them in the first place, and to never take them for granted, because you are blessed, and you have a gift that is rare and precious beyond all measure. Treasure every moment with that person, because there are those of us that aren't as fortunate as you are. Treasure them, and always make sure they know that you love them, always make sure they know how important they are to you, because you don't want to end up where I am now. I wouldn't wish this hell on my worst enemy.
And on that note, I'm going back to bed. I just can't face the world today; the pain of my existence is too much to bear.
I've only ever had simple, achievable goals for myself. My version of the American Dream is very plain, nothing too fancy. All I've ever wanted was a good job that I could enjoy going to every day, doing something that made me happy, and paying me well enough to keep my bills paid and to have a little money left over for fun. Outside of work, all I've ever wanted was to find my special someone, someone who could accept me and love me for who I am, so that I could become a husband and maybe, someday, a father. Get married, buy a little house somewhere, and have a good life.
But at every turn, no matter what I do, even when I do nothing wrong, the Powers That Be refuse to allow me even the smallest of successes. Every time I've found a job that is what I'm looking for, a job where I truly belong, where I'm truly successful and living up to my greatest potential, life conspires to take it away from me. I've just had, in the last 3 years, 2 jobs IN A ROW where I truly fit in, they were truly the right job for me… and then the company went bankrupt and went out of business, leaving me unemployed again. And now, with the economy in the crapper, I have no hope of finding such a job again anytime soon.
Outside of work, I've never had enough money to buy that little house I dream about. The cost of living is too high, and the wages in my chosen career field of retail management too low, for me to be able to succeed at even that one little thing.
In social circles, I've always been forced into the role of the loner, the outcast… the pariah. I was never one of the "cool" kids, never got invited to the big parties, never got to develop the social skills that the "cool" kids develop. Sure, I have a few very good friends who are basically the brothers I never had. But while I continually fail at every thing I try to do to achieve the life I want to have, I see them finding great careers, getting married, having children, buying homes… while I am stuck in the role of the third wheel, unable to have that kind of life myself, always the outsider looking in.
And as for finding someone to share this life with… it has recently been proven to me conclusively that there isn't an available woman anywhere in this world that is capable of loving me, there is no one that can accept me for who I am. I am too different, too unique, and the women of the world too weirded out by me, for that to ever happen. They say that there's someone for everyone, people tell me that I'll find someone, but finding someone is only the first step. If that someone is unable to open her heart to you, unable to accept you and to love you, then finding that someone didn't do you any good, did it? They say that there's someone for everyone, but what if there was only ever ONE someone for me, someone that I had, once, long ago, and lost? Someone who gave up on me after 3 years, because even she couldn't fully accept me for who and what I am.
The truth that no one wants to hear, that everyone refuses to accept, is that we are emotional beings that have emotional needs, and the most important emotional need we have is to love another and be loved in return. This is simple, psychological truth. To deny it is to deny your existence as a human being. And it is a need that can only be met in one very particular way. The love given to you by your parents can't fulfill that need. It can't be met through the love shared with any siblings you might have, or the love given to you by any children you might have had. The love shared with your closest friends can't meet this need, either. The only way it can be met is to find your soul mate, that special someone that will complete you, become the yin to your yang, whose love will make you a whole person. We aren't MEANT to be solitary beings, we weren't meant to walk through this life alone. We were meant for something more, to have that special someone to share this life with. And yet, this, too, is constantly denied me. In this regard, too, I am a failure. Even when I do everything right, I still end up alone.
This week, I celebrated my 37th birthday. 37 years ago I came into this world… was cast down into this HELL. Because that's where I am, I am in HELL. I am cursed. Years ago, I had a frightening moment of clarity, where I could clearly see the path that I am on in this life, and how it ends. I have done everything in my power to turn away from that path, to make a better life for myself, to avoid my fate. But every time I take one step forward, life knocks me back 2 steps, makes me fall flat on my face, and then proceeds to kick me when I'm down.
For years now, the only thing that's kept me going was the one little spark of hope that remained within me. A little spark that was too tenacious, too stubborn to burn out. That little spark gave me reserves of strength that I never knew I had within me, that helped me through the darkest days of my life. But last night, that little spark finally went out. I have no hope left anymore. I've had all I can take, and I have nothing left to give.
What do you do when you've been a failure your entire life? What do you do when all your hope is gone? What do you do when life has knocked you down so many times that you don't even know what it's like to stand on your own two feet anymore? How do you pick yourself back up when all your strength is utterly gone? How do you pick yourself back up when you know that life is only going to knock you right back down again? How do you face another day when all you want to do is die?
This is where I am at right now, the questions that are weighing on my mind. I have spent 37 years living in a world that I do not belong in. I have never fit in, and I never will. I'm too unique, too DIFFERENT for this world. And after 37 years of living in this hell, all I want to do is die… but I'm too much of a coward to even end it. I want nothing more right now than to plunge a knife into my chest and end my suffering… but I'm not even enough of a man to be able to do that. Even there, I am a failure.
So, as of this day, as of this moment, I have officially given up on my life. I have reacted in the only way I can. For 37 years, I've had to live with the knowledge that there is terrible darkness inside me, like a black hole, waiting to pull me in and consume me. For decades, I have fought against the darkness, drawing on my friends and family for strength, holding it at bay as long as I could. Last night, it finally became too strong, and I finally became too weak. The darkness has finally consumed me and I have no strength left, no willpower left to fight it anymore.
I'm only posting this today because there are a couple people here that I've come to think of as friends, and I know they would wonder what's going on when they notice that I'm not around much, if at all. I know they would wonder what's going on with me, why I'm not posting. And frankly, it's because this life, this world has taken everything from me, and I have nothing left to give anymore. In the face of that knowledge, coming to a message board and chatting with people online just isn't as important right now.
I know that some of you here are very wise, and will probably offer your thoughts and your wisdom. I will be reading what people have to say, but if I don't reply to you, please don't take it personally. It just means that I can't think of anything productive to add to the discussion.
In closing, I'd like to offer some advice of my own. If you are fortunate enough to have found some success in this life, cherish every moment of it. Don't ever take what you have for granted. If you have a job that is truly the right job for you, a job that you love doing, that makes you happy, cherish every moment of it while you can, because you don't know what's right around the corner, especially in this economy.
And if you're fortunate enough to have someone to share this life with, cherish him or her, hold onto them tightly, and never, ever take them for granted. You may fight, you may argue, they may frustrate you at times, at times you may wonder what you saw in them in the first place… but I urge you to remember why you fell in love with them in the first place, and to never take them for granted, because you are blessed, and you have a gift that is rare and precious beyond all measure. Treasure every moment with that person, because there are those of us that aren't as fortunate as you are. Treasure them, and always make sure they know that you love them, always make sure they know how important they are to you, because you don't want to end up where I am now. I wouldn't wish this hell on my worst enemy.
And on that note, I'm going back to bed. I just can't face the world today; the pain of my existence is too much to bear.
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