THE JOKE THREAD!

[W.West Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close W.West]

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What? and the man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE"
The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the hell was that?" She replies,


"EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"

[myuserid Lantern Hex Find all posts View Profile Close myuserid]

After giving his welcome aboard speech to the passengers over the PA system, an airline pilot turns to his co-pilot and says, "Well, I'm about to go take a huge crap. Then I'm gonna go screw the brains out of that new blonde flight attendant."

Realizing that the pilot has forgotten to turn his microphone off, and hearing what he said go out over the address system, the blonde flight attendant takes off running for the cockpit to tell the pilot to turn off his mic.

A little old lady sitting in an aisle seat says, "Slow down honey, he's gotta take a crap first".

[W.West Moderator Find all posts View Profile Close W.West]

LMAO!

[Guest Close dudeloveall]

A guy goes into a church confessional and says, "Forgive me, Father, but I have sinned. I slept with Five women last night."

The priest says, "Go home, squeeze five lemonds into a glass, and drink it as fast as you can."

"Then will I be forgiven?"

"No, but it will wipe that smirk off your face."

[Mrt1000son Dark Lord of the Sith Find all posts View Profile Close Mrt1000son]

- Usain Bolt ran at 40 mph to break his previous world record. You might think that's good, but if he hits a child there's an 80% chance she'll die.


- A tribute to Bobby Robson - You know a man was a legend when his death doesn't spark hundreds of jokes on Sickipedia.

[Gil Kane Hal's Understudy Find all posts View Profile Close Gil Kane]

Secret Code - Note
After the president has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last president to send a note of congratulations to the new one.
So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the president was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:
370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged. So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it. They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message.
They called in the chief of staff and the head of the Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note. Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
Now there was complete panic in the oval office. They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.
A special emergency meeting was called by the staff. All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code. After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.
Bush chuckled and replied:
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"You're holding the note upside down!"

[Guest Close Shingo Wol]

So, The perfect man and the perfect woman get married on Christmas Eve.
On the way home, They see Santa Claus standing by the side of the road next to a broken sleigh.
So being the perfect couple, they decided to give Santa a lift so that Christmas woudnt be ruined.
However, later that night they a fog rolled in on the road and they crashed. There was only one survivor.
So The question is, Who Survived?

Well, If you are Female you might answer the story like this:

Since Santa Claus Doesn't exist, and neither does the perfect Man, the Perfect woman survived.

Or If your a Guy , you might answer:

Well, if Santa Claus Doesn't exist, and neither does the Perfect Man, then then The "Perfect Woman" was driving; which explains why they crashed.

[Fearless Agent Orange Find all posts View Profile Close Fearless]

Hm... funny, but a bit too complex.

[Orion Pax Iolande's Bodyguard Find all posts View Profile Close Orion Pax]

Fearless likes his jokes simple.

[Guest Close dudeloveall]

Let me explain the problem science has with religion.'
The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.
'You're a Christian, aren't you, son?'
'Yes sir,' the student says.
'So you believe in God?'
'Absolutely. '
'Is God good?'
'Sure! God's good.'
'Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?'
'Yes'
'Are you good or evil?'
'The Bible says I'm evil.'
The professor grins knowingly. 'Aha! The Bible! He considers for a moment. 'Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?'
'Yes sir, I would.'
'So you're good...!'
'I wouldn't say that.'
'But why not say that? You'd help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn't.'

The student does not answer, so the professor continues. 'He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Can you answer that one?'

The student remains silent. 'No, you can't, can you?' the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax. 'Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?'
'Er..yes,' the student says.
'Is Satan good?'
The student doesn't hesitate on this one. 'No.'
'Then where does Satan come from?'
The student falters. 'From God'
'That's right. God made Satan, didn't he? Tell me, son. Is the re evil in this world?'
'Yes, sir.'
'Evil's everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything, correct?'
'Yes'
'So who created evil?' The professor continued, 'If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil.'

[Fearless Agent Orange Find all posts View Profile Close Fearless]

...Where was the joke? That goes more with Mav's short-lived philosophy thread...

[The_Mad_Dragon Captain Pervert Find all posts View Profile Close The_Mad_Dragon]

Completely unfunny.

[Guest Close dudeloveall]

it was funny to me at 2 in the morning, after reading it over it was a bad idea.

[Fearless Agent Orange Find all posts View Profile Close Fearless]

Just a little bit.

[Guest Close Nightscream]

A drunk hooker was walking home from the bar through a forest, clutching a bottle of vodka in her hand. suddenly, from behind a tree jumps a guy wearing a black cloak, skin very pale and long fangs: "buhuhuahaha, i'm a vampire, and i suck blood!". the hooker tells him to get lost, sips her vodka and goes further. after 5 minutes, the vampire jumps in front of her again:"buhuhuahaha, i'm a vampire, and i suck blood!". she tells him to get lost again, and goes on. after 10 more minutes, the dude jumps at her again: "buhuhuahaha, i'm a vampire, and i suck blood!". annoyed, she replies: "and i'm a hooker and i suck D1CK, but i don't go BUHUHUAHAHA, idiot!"