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This whole thing is just one, long dirty joke... Enjoy:
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Yo.
*gets out his shovel*
-----------What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic
-----------A car is pulled over by the police....
"Is there a problem officer?"
Cop: You were swerving a lot back there
"Well I had 8 beers officer....."
Cop: We'll that's no excuse to let your wife drive
---------Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be, buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "A dollar."
tip: When Googling Gary Oldman always make sure to include the 'R'
Tazer
Originally posted by Andrew NDBComment
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Yo.
An Irish man walks into a pub.
The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low, I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."
Tazer
Originally posted by Andrew NDBComment
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A Conservative majority.
Originally posted by IonFanOriginally posted by Big Daddy CaesarOriginally posted by QuakerComment
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Q. What do an airport and a illegal abortion have in common?
A. The Hanger.
Q. What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A. One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.................................................. ..........................
Cnn = constant nasuating nonsenseComment
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Yo.
A Guy goes into a proctologist's office for his first exam.
The doctor told him to have a seat. In the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools he noticed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table.
A tube of K-Y jelly; A rubber glove; and A beer.
When the doctor finally came in the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, Helen! I said a BUTT LIGHT."
Tazer
Originally posted by Andrew NDBComment
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Yo.
Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit.
Husband: Who?
Wife: My butt cheeks.A man was stopped by the police around 2am...
The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer said, "Oh really, and who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
And the man said "That would be my wife."
TazerLast edited by Tazer; 06-30-2015, 02:55 PM.
Originally posted by Andrew NDBComment
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Yo.
--------How do you make a cat bark?
Drown it in gasoline and light it.
--------Never date a tennis player...
because love means nothing to them.
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them. "Hey penguins, show us your boobs!" shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculate, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross." Sister Immaculate rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!" Sister Immaculate then looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Was that cross enough?"
Tazer
Originally posted by Andrew NDBComment
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Yo.
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly, the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Tazer
Originally posted by Andrew NDBComment
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A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter. The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes, it's at home," replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier. Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter. "Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier. "Yes I do, it's at home," says the man. "Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food," says the cashier. The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand. "Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here." The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag. "It is all soft and warm," she says. "Yes, that's right," says the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper
Q: What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?
A: They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.Last edited by TazzMission; 07-11-2015, 04:19 AM................................................... ..........................
Cnn = constant nasuating nonsenseComment
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Kek.Originally posted by IonFanOriginally posted by Big Daddy CaesarOriginally posted by QuakerComment
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Yo.
--------What's a redneck's favorite dating website?
Ancestry.com
---------I told my buddy that Jewish people call god by a different name
He was like, "No way!", and I was like "Yahweh..."
---------What is the one type of person that will never get angry?
A nomad.
----------A Mexican magician says he will dissappear on the count of three.
Uno... Dos... poof
He's disappeared...
Without a tres.
I broke up with my gym.
We were just not working out.
Tazer
Originally posted by Andrew NDBComment
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Yo.
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student
Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,
"Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,
"Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued.
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
A man parks his car on the street and goes into a shop. When he comes out, the car is not where he left it and apparently was stolen. So he calls the police and hopelessly goes back home. Two days later, he finds his car at his front door, with a note left in the driver's side window:
“I am very sorry but I had to borrow your car, because my wife was in labor and about to give birth and I had to act quickly. I deeply apologize and send these front-row concert tickets for you and your wife to enjoy this Tuesday evening.”
So the man and his wife go to the concert Tuesday evening. When they return home, they realize someone broke in and the house was burgled. And a note was left on the floor: “So, did you like the concert?”
How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb?
YOU DON'T KNOW!!! YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!!
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect Arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore!!!!
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie, and he decides to take it home & try it out at dinner.
Dad: Son, where were you during school hours?
Son: At school.
The robot slaps the son.
Son: Ok! I was at my friend's house watching a DVD.
Dad: Which one?
Son: Kung Fu Panda
The robot slaps the son again.
Son: Ok! It was a porno.
Dad: What!? When I was your age I didnt even know what porno was.
The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: HAHAHAHAHA. He is your son after all!
The robot slaps the mom.
Tazer
Originally posted by Andrew NDBComment
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Yo.
A small zoo in Arkansas obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. In a desperate hope to solve the problem, the Zoo Keeper approached a local redneck, Bobby Lee with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions.
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
And last, Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.”
Never Marry A Tennis Player
Love means nothing to them.
What do you call a group of eight cowards?
Octopussies.
What's black and does not work?
Decaf Coffee
Bob and Harry are fishing one day....
Bob.... "How's your wife been?"
Harry...."She's an angel, how about yours?"
Bob...."Egh, mine is still alive."
Tazer
Originally posted by Andrew NDBComment
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Yo.
So, a man walks into a bar...
...and he gets a bruise on his head.
Tazer
Originally posted by Andrew NDBComment
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